Sing… Sing a Song

I realized today what it is that I want to do.  I have lots of things that I like to do… I like my jobs – all four of them; I like to read; I like to crochet.  But what I want to do is SING.  Music has always been a huge part of my life, I have been singing since I was a child, I have been in some choir or another since elementary school with little break.  I love to sing.  I need to sing.  Sadly, along with that need has been fear.  I sing for God, I sing for my kids and I sing for me.  But somewhere in there is that ever-present fear of not being good enough.  There are so many songs out there that just speak to me, that I feel like I should sing because it is how I feel and how I can express those feelings.  But because of my fear, I am keeping that all locked inside.

I have things I want to say to my husband (yes, were are still married but separated) that would be so easy if I could just sing them to him.  Or make him a mixed tape with all of the songs but then they aren’t really FROM me because someone else is singing them.  I have things I want to say to my kids, to my friends, to my family.  But this isn’t Glee or High School Musical.  I can’t break out in song to let people know how I feel or what I want.  So my dream is that I would record the songs in my heart so that my loved ones can have “me” singing to them whenever they want to listen.

Today’s song that won’t leave my head is “Whataya Want from Me” by Adam Lambert.  It is not a coincidence that Adam is gay, like my husband.  What I wouldn’t give for my husband to say these words to me:

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you
It’s me – I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try but I think
you could save my life

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

http://www.metrolyrics.com/whataya-want-from-me-lyrics-adam-lambert.html

Yes, I still love him.  He is my best friend, the father of my kids, the guy I like to spend time with.  I’m not the one with the problem, I’m not the one that left.  He is figuring himself out.  I hope every day that he realizes that I am the one who will love him unconditionally forever.