The Angels Among Us

Yes, there are angels in this world…  And I had more than my fair share watching over me yesterday.

Yesterday my car ceased to function while turning off of 611 onto Old Welsh Rd at the start of rush hour. Needless to say I was terrified on a multitude of levels. First and foremost, that I was helplessly sitting in a car in the middle of a busy intersection with no way to move it. The car wasn’t going to go anywhere without help. Second, because I am poor. There I said it. I.AM.POOR. I have no savings. I have a shitty job. I have nothing, so how can I get my car fixed with nothing?! And if I can’t get my car fixed, how do I get to the aforementioned shitty job?

My first angel was the PECO supervisor who saw me stranded; I wish I had thought to take his name.  He pulled over, placed cones by my car, stood by my open window, and talked to me while we waited for the police.  When he got a service call, he didn’t run off; he stayed with me, trying to calm me down. He stayed even after the police arrived to see if the car could be pushed out of the intersection. It couldn’t though, the car was not budging. Once there were two officers there and a tow truck on the way, my PECO angel came to me, hugged me, wished me luck, and told me God was watching over me.

My second angel arrived in the form of a township police officer. Again, I did not catch his name, so I cannot thank him appropriately. He and the PECO angel tried to move my car out of the intersection and when it couldn’t be moved, he shuttled me out of the car and across the street so that I would be safe. When a second officer arrived, the first came to stand with me on the side of the road, all the time chatting about where I worked, cracking jokes (“Let HIM stand in the road!”), and just basically trying to calm me down. He has no idea how much that helped me. Or maybe he does. He must have to calm people in stressful situations all the time. But no matter if he did it to be nice or because he did it because it was his job, he is my second angel of the day. He asked me if I had a ride home; I said I would walk since it wasn’t that far away and once he found out I live about 500 feet from the police station, he said he would drive me home. But as thankful as I am for my angel, I never want to ride in a police vehicle again…

My third and fourth angels are ones that are always there for me, but are almost never thanked appropriately. “S” picked up my kids from school and drove them home; she listened to me have what must be the billionth mental breakdown (at least the third vehicle breakdown!) since she’s been my friend. I love her more than she can ever know. “C” came swooping in as she always does and told me that she WILL be driving me to work on Wednesday and I WILL let her. She has fed me and the kids, comforted me (without hugging, of course), and listened to me, all the while telling me that although I drew the short-straw, I will be okay. I don’t have a choice with C, she is my pushy, Irish angel and I love her all the more for it (although I will not tell her this directly as she will brush me off for my sentimental nonsense).

My fifth and sixth angels come in the form of those who gave me life. I called Mom and Dad once I was home and safe because, frankly they are the ones I want to call when I am scared. They are my parents. No questions, no thought, they turned around and came here from NJ to make sure I was okay. They took me to look at cars so I wouldn’t be without one but I was too overwhelmed for my brain to function properly. They fed my kids and sat with me while I sobbed for hours. They always come to save the day, especially when I am not asking them to. They tell me they’ve been through this all before and things will get better. It is hard to see the future through swollen, tear-stained eyes, but I will try to believe them. But because I am a horrible daughter, “thank you” is usually the last thing that is said, so I will say it now: Thank you, Mom and Dad for everything you have done for me and the kids. I love you both.

My seventh and eighth angels, well I don’t know what to say about them. I am in awe, overwhelmed, and just stunned by their blessing. “A” came here last night after I asked for her advice and guidance on what to do with the car. She pushed her way in, marched upstairs where I was still sobbing, and told me she had a blessing for me. I refuse to look at it, although I do know it is money. She tells me it is not a loan, it is a gift. She was blessed by a friend in the past and as a result she is paying it forward. Her husband offered to look at the car and have his friend look at it to see if it could be saved. We may be digging around junkyards for Impala parts, but we will get the car fixed. If it can’t, we will sell the damned thing for parts, but either way, she is helping me.  Her words last night: “Sometimes God’s Grace comes in the form of a loud-mouthed, tattooed, crazy lady”. I love you, you loud-mouthed, tattooed, crazy lady. Her husband came this morning to look at the car; he is having it towed to his friend’s shop this afternoon to see if it can be saved.

My ninth and tenth angels… well they are my true loves, my babies. Through all of this yesterday, they took care of me. “E” made sure I had my favorite coffee from Wawa last night and held my hand as we walked to school this morning. “C” snuggled with me and held me. They sat with me while I cried some more and told me that it will be okay. I need to believe that, for them. All I need from them is a hug, a kiss, and a whispered “I love you”. Well, that and getting up on time so that we can walk to school and not be late…

Thank you for reading; please keep us in your prayers as we try to settle the car dilemma. And remember, there ARE angels in this world. I hope you take the time to appreciate yours.

My car being towed away yesterday.

 

Addendum to my post: I have one angel who is with me every day of my life. *If* we talked on the phone as much as we message each other and *if* we still paid for calls by the minute, I would have a trillion-dollar phone bill… Okay that is a *bit* of an exaggeration, but you get my point. We talk every day and I can’t get through my day without hearing from her. I bounce things off of her, I complain to her, share the joys and stresses of my day, and on and on. She was the first person I told (via message) about my car trouble yesterday. She is my #1 Angel.

Fallout

I have just realized I haven’t been around since December!  Well, I’ve been pretty busy, as you will see…

As you know, the topic of this blog is living life as a straight wife to a gay man.  We are separated but we are still parenting partners and best friends.  It was a rocky road getting here – mostly for me – but our relationship is what it is.  It is unique and it is ours and no one can tell us how to live or should judge us.  We have happy, healthy children who know that their parents love them and each other no matter what trials we face.  Do I tell him everything now?  No, I certainly don’t.  He moved out so there are some aspects of my life that are off-limits to him, just like with any other friend.  I have several best friends (NM, SN, DG) – my girls, who I love and who keep me grounded but they don’t know EVERYTHING, so HE surely isn’t privy to it all, either.  We have a different relationship now than when we were “together” and it is still evolving and changing.

That being said, I am still dealing with the fallout of him coming to the realization that he can no longer live as a straight husband.  I have been dealing with Wave 1 – my present and my future with regards to my home life.  I no longer have a husband who lives with me, who is here for me to be my support and my rock.  Life is different with two parents living in separate households – planning around that alone is a huge headache, but we are getting it.  I no longer have the man that I fell in love with to grow old with.  I have to start again.  I will tell you, the dating thing – so over that… I tried, but I just do NOT have time for that level of drama.

Now I am dealing with Wave 2 – my present and future career.  “What career?” I ask you!  I had a promising career when he was in graduate school.  I’m sure if I had stayed, I would have been making the big bucks and not worrying about being able to afford groceries.  But I left my career to help him open our veterinary hospital.  The hospital was going to be OUR future.  We were going to run the business together.  Now, no hospital, no husband, and a rocky career future.  Oh, the joy of looking for a job in this economy!  Add to that the fact that I have two children at home that aren’t quite old enough to look after themselves and a parenting partner who doesn’t live with us and who has a crazy work schedule which means finding childcare.

So as I am applying to every job possible (that I am qualified for), I have to consider not only my career (or lack thereof) but what am I going to do with the kids while I am at work – before and after school and the summer.  I find myself getting angry at my husband because, as my mind so often tells me, “If he would just move back home it wouldn’t be as much of an issue! We would have less expenses AND the childcare issues would be easier! Grumble grumble grumble…”  But I know that’s neither true nor fair.  Our relationship is better BECAUSE he moved out, our kids are healthy and well-adjusted BECAUSE he is not here, fighting with himself and as a result fighting with us.

So here I am, still trying to find a job in my chosen field after 2 years.  Please keep me and my little family in your prayers while I continue to interview and apply.  Thank you for reading.

December Depression

Its almost here again…  December.

I have promised myself that I will NOT let myself get depressed again this year.  I will NOT allow the junk my life to spoil the happiest, most loving time of the year.  Now I am  not so sure how I will do that.  I already feel the sadness creeping in…  How can I forget?  How can I see the church decorated in all it’s glory and not remember that day?  How can I listen to the radio and forget Jim Brickman’s The Gift was our wedding song, or that I walked down the aisle to Pachelbel’s Canon when Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas Canon plays?

Christmas was the inspiration for our wedding.  The beauty and joy of this time of year.  The togetherness, the love, the hope…  Now it is my downfall and I don’t want it to be.  I want to enjoy this Christmastide.  I don’t want to cry when I listen to B101.  I don’t want to deflate when I look out over the sanctuary and see the candles and the greenery and the ribbons.

Friends, what do you do to keep the sadness at bay?

Back to School

I just got home from a PTO budget meeting and I am smiling…  Why, you may ask, would I be smiling after a budget meeting?  Because it was so good to see the ladies (and one gentleman) again after a long summer of working and scheduling my children’s lives.  I am looking forward for school to start in a couple of weeks for several reasons – (1)  my kids HAVE GOT to get out of this house, (2) it is much simpler to make a work schedule when I know where they are 5 days a week from 8:30-3:30, and (3) I get to see all of the parents that I have become friends with since The Bug started Pre-School.

There were times during the past 20 months that I thought I should move home.  Go back to my parents’, lick my wounds, and start over again.  But then I didn’t want to have to move the kids away from their home, from their friends, from their school – I was there, I did that when I was a teenager and it was HARD on me.  But I lived and my kids would, too, if I moved them.

But the thing that has held me here are the bonds that I have made since The Bug was born.  I have finally found a place where I fit in, where I belong.  I’m not the “new girl” or the outsider.  I have good friends that I have known since college, high school and even elementary school, but HERE is where I feel welcome.  It is my home.

School starts soon and with it will be the mayhem of morning drop-offs, afternoon pick-ups, homework, reports, scout meetings, instrument lessons and on and on.  But it also means seeing my friends on a daily basis, catching up on the playground, working a library shift and seeing the smile on my kid’s face when s/he sees me at school, talking with the teachers and secretaries.  I will feel complete again…  as complete as I can be right now.

Every day I am a little better and as the Beatles said, I get by with a little help from my friends.

Mmm, Chocolate…

Last week one of my favorite bloggers held a contest (http://www.gaffneysgabs.com/2011/08/where-are-gaffs.html).  Guess where she and her hubby were headed for the weekend and you get a goody from the destination.  I guessed correctly (Hershey, PA) so she sent me a bag full of tasty treats from Chocolate World!

It pays to interact with bloggers!  Thank you, Gaffney’s Gabs!!

Counting the days until…

I posted this on facebook earlier, but I wanted to add it here, too!

There is/are:

*less than 1 day until I lose all my wisdom…  (not that there was much here to begin with!)

*8 days until I am done working at the insurance company…  (happy because I will be moving on to another job BUT sad because I will miss everyone!)

*21 days until school starts…  (Thank the Lord!)

*22 days until my birthday…  (The big THREE-NINE, the last year of my 30’s)

*27 days until my niece arrives…  (Hooray! I can’t wait!!)

*37 days until my favorite season begins…  (Ah, Fall!  A chill in the air and the smell of drying leaves)

UPDATE:  I did NOT have my wisdom teeth extracted today since the surgeon cancelled on me.  I am highly annoyed since this is the second time.  I will be finding a new oral surgeon…

Welcome Friends!

I’m doing it… defying gravity by publishing this blog finally… Be kind, there is a person behind these words. Thanks for reading… xoxo

Everybody’s Doing It…

…so why shouldn’t I?  Everyone is blogging, about coupons and deals, about their travels, about their life experiences.  About everything and nothing, so why shouldn’t I?

I started this blog awhile ago, January 2010 or so, to be able to get out my overwhelming thoughts while I was going through the early stages of my separation but I never published it.  So much has happened since then…  Things are back to normal, as normal as things will be now that we are separated and living apart as best friends and parenting partners.  I thought it was time to publish it.  I’m not sure why but something is telling me to…

If you are my friend or my family, I hope this will help you understand a little bit better of what I have been going through these past 20 months.  If you are meeting me for the first time through this blog, welcome to my crazy life as a practically-single parent of two awesome kiddos and a straight wife to my best friend who is figuring out his own life.

Stay tuned… Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth removed, oh joy!

Sing… Sing a Song

I realized today what it is that I want to do.  I have lots of things that I like to do… I like my jobs – all four of them; I like to read; I like to crochet.  But what I want to do is SING.  Music has always been a huge part of my life, I have been singing since I was a child, I have been in some choir or another since elementary school with little break.  I love to sing.  I need to sing.  Sadly, along with that need has been fear.  I sing for God, I sing for my kids and I sing for me.  But somewhere in there is that ever-present fear of not being good enough.  There are so many songs out there that just speak to me, that I feel like I should sing because it is how I feel and how I can express those feelings.  But because of my fear, I am keeping that all locked inside.

I have things I want to say to my husband (yes, were are still married but separated) that would be so easy if I could just sing them to him.  Or make him a mixed tape with all of the songs but then they aren’t really FROM me because someone else is singing them.  I have things I want to say to my kids, to my friends, to my family.  But this isn’t Glee or High School Musical.  I can’t break out in song to let people know how I feel or what I want.  So my dream is that I would record the songs in my heart so that my loved ones can have “me” singing to them whenever they want to listen.

Today’s song that won’t leave my head is “Whataya Want from Me” by Adam Lambert.  It is not a coincidence that Adam is gay, like my husband.  What I wouldn’t give for my husband to say these words to me:

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you
It’s me – I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try but I think
you could save my life

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

http://www.metrolyrics.com/whataya-want-from-me-lyrics-adam-lambert.html

Yes, I still love him.  He is my best friend, the father of my kids, the guy I like to spend time with.  I’m not the one with the problem, I’m not the one that left.  He is figuring himself out.  I hope every day that he realizes that I am the one who will love him unconditionally forever.

Alone again… 12/17/09

This is the first time that I felt that I had so much inside that I just needed to get it out…  This was nine days after he told me he was leaving…

December 17th, 2009

Alone again.  I am used to being alone.  His work schedule usually takes him away.  I have no doubt that is where he is.  Early mornings, late nights.  Not every night; most nights he is here in time for dinner.

He has shut off from me for so long, that I am used to that kind of alone, too.  Content to accept any type of contact, cuddles, hand-holding, touching slightly.

But this kind of alone is painful.  He walks out of the room and I fall apart.  The hole in my chest comes back.  The painful abdominal cramps start again.  I know that one of these times, he will walk out and never come back.  He is already gone in his mind, even if he is here physically.  He is no longer mine, his mind on the future where he can find someone he can be with for the rest of his life.  He was that person to me.  My future.

He says he wants to stay…  for now…  but doesn’t know what is good for me.  What is good for me is having a husband who loves me and cherishes me.  What is good for me is having a partner, a person who is in this with me together.  I guess that he isn’t good for me, but he is who I love, who I need, who I want, flaws and all.  And this is a huge flaw.

A gay man fell in love with a straight woman.  He was the best liar, he could hide his true self from even himself.  But not from me.  I have known and buried it deep.  Then I knew again and it moved up in my consciousness.  Then another clue and I was more aware.  And another, and another.  Suddenly I couldn’t trust this person anymore, this person who was my husband, my best friend, my companion, my confidante.  How could he do this to us?

But there is no us, he says.  I’m gay, he says.  Yes, I knew that.  What did I expect when he realized it himself?  When he allowed himself to admit that he was wrong, that he created a life for himself that he didn’t want anymore?  I don’t know what I expected.  I have spent so long hiding and pretending that maybe I thought he would stay with me for the sake of our family.  After all, he says I’m his best friend, too.  Why can’t he just stay with me?

Why do I want him to? He has been my companion, my best friend, my co-parent, my former lover for half of my life.  Half of my life I have spent with this man.  I expected to spend the rest of my life with him.  I stood by him through graduate school, when he said he couldn’t go on, I encouraged him.  Reminded him of what his goals were, that this was what he wanted, what he has always wanted.  I stood by him when he was sick, over and over I sat in the hospital with him, holding his hand, helping him eat, helping him wash, helping him grow stronger.  I stood by him when our dream, our business, didn’t work, didn’t make money.  When we had no money, we stayed together.  I stood by him when he was struggling with finding himself, a long process.  Now he has found himself and he wants to leave…

Why do I want him to stay? Because through it all, I still love him.  I still need him.  He is still the person that I want to be with, but I am not that for him.  He wants to find someone who he can spend the rest of his life with.  Because what I have given him and given up isn’t enough for him.  How do I not take that personally?

Please don’t be upset, he says this morning.  I’m trying, I say.  I am trying.  Every second of every day since last Tuesday, I have tried to not get upset.  I have tried to keep breathing.  I have tried to hold it together.  But I can’t.  He has already moved on, I am still here.  Loving a man who doesn’t want me, that doesn’t need me, and that means nothing to him.  The loving and needing mean nothing to him.  He says that I am still his best friend.  He loves me but not the way I deserve to be loved.  What about what I want?

And what is it that I want? Do I really want to spend more time with someone who doesn’t love me, desire me?  Do I really want to continue to question every phone call, every email?  I have already blocked the texting function on his phone, after all it is in my name, so that I don’t get tempted to see who he is writing to when he leaves me.  He says there isn’t anyone else.  But what about that person, supposedly from California, who has texted and emailed him on our work email, telling him he missed his voice and that he loves him?  Who is that?  No one he says.  He’s not even in contact with him anymore.  And I am supposed to just believe it.  I want to, but I don’t.  He has finally gotten smart and made himself his own Yahoo email address that I don’t have access to.   But how can it be no one?  How can this man who I love just throw “I love you” around to some faceless person so casually?  Does it mean nothing to him?  So what does it mean when he says he loves me?

But through all of that, I still want him here.  But why?  Love?  Safety?  Security?  Why do I want him here?  For the kids?  The kids…  how hurt they must be, they will be. They overheard our fight, when he said he was looking at an apartment in the city.  My son is treating this like an adventure.  If Daddy gets a new house, then we’ll have two, oh joy!  My daughter is not saying anything, but then again they don’t know much.  They know that he wants to move out.  But not why.  What do I tell my kids?  Daddy wants to find someone else to love because my love isn’t good enough for him…  No.  Daddy wasn’t sure if he was gay or not, so he went along, married me, had two beautiful kids and then one day decides “okay I am gay”.  No.

So what do I tell my friends? I have hidden this from them for so long, never willing to say it out loud.  Now all of the sudden he is leaving, I am falling apart and they are saying “I never would have guessed”.  How do I explain that I don’t care?  That I want him here for as long as he is willing to stay?  No one can understand that.  Let him go they all say.  It is better for you that way…  I don’t know what is better for me.  All I know is that since December 8th, I haven’t eaten well, I have been sick, I have had breakdowns every day, several times a day.  But why?  Because something is ending and I don’t want it to?  Because he is leaving despite everything I have given him?  Because I am afraid to be alone?

What have I given up by being here? The usual, my career, my life that could’ve been, love that could’ve been.  But what about myself?  I have turned into someone who I don’t like, simply from hiding who he is.  From pretending everything is okay.  From never talking about the elephant in the room.  From believing the lies every time and then hating myself for believing them.  From being told I am making things up, that I am crazy, go take a pill.  I am mad and sad and frustrated all of the time.  Who is this person?  I don’t like her at all.  She is short with her kids, short with her friends, short with her parents, her family.

Eleven years being married on December 12th, 2009.  Happy Anniversary, by the way I’m gay and you knew it so just deal with it.  Oh and Merry Christmas, too.  We got married the December after he graduated.  I was so proud of him, him on my arm, he wanted to be with plain, ordinary, little me.  The church was so beautiful, Christmas greens draped all over, ivory ribbons hanging, candle flames dancing.  I was so happy, WE were so happy.  December is an anniversary month.  We were engaged in December 1996.  We got married in December 1998.  My life ended in December 2009.  Everything goes full circle.

I am scared.  Terrified of what the future will bring.  Our kids are 9 and 6.  What is this going to do to them?  Not even that Daddy is gay; we are very open and accepting of that.  No, that he is leaving, but not really he says.  He will still be around – help me with things around here.  Is that what I really want?  I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want.  But I know that I am deathly afraid of letting him go because he will never come back.  How can I live without him?  How do I survive?